What the fuck am I so afraid of?!

What the fuck am I so afraid of?! 

Now that... is the million dollar question and I can't even begin to tell you how many times I have found myself asking it. Over and over again. 

Flash back to a couple of years ago....

I could easily tell you everything that I wanted... but execution... man that can be a damn doozie. You know, you get so excited about something. The thought of it is amazing... you can visual how perfect it would be (whatever it is) and the outcome looks so refreshing and then at the moment of truth you start choking... and running for the nearest exit as fast as your little feet will take you.

Commitment phobe much?! (Raises hand). Yes, it took me a damn long time to figure out what my problem was. I am bloody terrified of commitment and I'm not just talking about relationships either. The biggest commitment I've made is to my son and I am 110% in. It isn't his fault that I have/had issues.

I can't tell you many times when just the thought of committing myself to anything had me breaking out in a cold sweat and I was pretty sure that my heart was going to pump itself right on out of my chest. (insert nervous laugh here). True story. That shit really happens.

Who knew though, right? It took me forever to figure out that THAT was exactly what was wrong with me... but why?

Why am I so afraid to commit myself to something?

Why the fuck am I so afraid?!

...is it...

the fear of failure?
the self doubt?
the fear of actually being happy?!
do I want to be?
do I even deserve that shit?! 
can I really be?!

I wasn't sure...

Yes, I was terrified of all of the above. I was afraid of failing, but I was also terrified of winning. I didn't really even think it was possible to be afraid of both, but it is... trust me. I know.

I kept telling myself the timing was all wrong, but you know what? When is the timing ever perfect? The truth is... it isn't. You can't sit around waiting for the perfect time, because if you do... I hate to break it you, but it will never come.

With commitment there is failure and with failure there is learning and ultimately finding success when you continue to plow through. You can't achieve success without saying "Fuck it" and going all in. You just can't. There is no easy way and there damn sure aren't any short cuts. You just literally have take the plunge. Even when you're scared to fricken death.

You've got to take chances.

Nothing great is ever going to happen if you don't. In the past few years I've been doing things that set my "commitment phobic" radar through the roof. 

Starting my page and beginning to share the inner workings of me was one of them. 
This blog was another hard for me... because there will be days when I share some tough things, but I did it. I had to. I don't want to see people holding themselves back. Feeling like they're alone. I don't want you to feel that way.

So, here again, I've committed myself. To sharing bits of who I am and my life in order spread hope.

To help someone else change their lives... To change mine.

Showing vulnerability is hard. Being afraid of something is hard... but allowing fear control you and living a life less than what you deserve is even harder.

Remember this the next time you find yourself wondering "What the fuck am I so afraid of?" and remember that you aren't alone. Life is meant to be lived in every way possible. It starts when you decide to start living. Now go live.

xoxo