I am. You are. We are.

♕ ♕ ♕ ♕ ♕

I am so much more than what so many see. 

I am so much more than what I lead on to be... 

I give... I feel... I hope. 

I love fiercely.

I need, I want... I dream.

I am alone -yet surrounded

I am empty -yet full 

I am vulnerable, and at times insecure. 

I am strong 

I am confident 

I win, I lose, I fail and I fall... 

I am weak

I am proud

I smile when on the inside I die

I break down 

I put myself back together

I stumble

...and stand tall

I am a woman... 

I am.

My spirit free...

with the heart of a warrior

I am a lover

A fighter

A dreamer

A seeker of hope -a giver of hope

A leader 

I am so much more... 

I am strong 

I am courageous 

I am amazing 

...I am

You are

We Are

We are all... so much more. 

♕ ♕ ♕ ♕ ♕ 

xoxo, 

Amanda Michelle

It started out with...

I had to go have blood work done this morning, and after fasting all night I woke up and had to remind myself that I couldn't have any coffee. Grouch radar overload. Then as I get in my car I'm suddenly starving. Like my stomach wants to eat my backbone kind of hungry. So, no coffee... no food. Fuck. 
At this point I wouldn't be surprised if I put my underwear on backwards. I didn't though... luckily. 

Traffic on the interstate was crazy bad. Understandably so with people traveling because of the holiday. I just want to get to my appointment, have my blood drawn and find the nearest coffee shop. I get there and wind up having to call my insurance co, I forgot my insurance card and even though they have all of my insurance info... they want a copy of the card. I was pissed. Really?! I call the insurance company... the lady is rude. I'm like I just want you to fax a copy of my insurance... that's all. At this point the girl behind behind the counter says... just forget it, come on back. I got you. Hallelujah! 

As I'm sitting there my son says while laughing... "WOW... that's a really big pointy needle." I'm like "Really son?! Thanks for pointing it out." Lol
After the labs were done I decided on an impromptu visit to the grocery store. Big fricken mistake. All before coffee?! Good lord it was packed in there... so bad. And being that tomorrow is Thanksgiving, well you can pretty much imagine how that went.

Last minute while at checkout getting ready to pay for my stuff I had to have... I saw a wine rack to the right of me... beckoning me... whispering... "Amanda... come get me."

Eyes to the heavens and a quick thanks to baby jesus, because I snagged a bottle of that cheap ass wine off that rack (don't judge cheap is better than none and it was the only stuff on the rack. I wasn't battling any more people in that store). I then cradled that jug like it was made of precious gold and deposited it on the counter.

I even let the dude help me take my items to the car. He was desperate for an escape from the inside of the store and who am I to disappoint? He made me laugh the entire walk. There is a reason I love my local grocery store. They are awesome. So are their employees. Which I totally appreciate. 

Now, I'm home finally... and am enjoying a huge ass cup of coffee... I need to catch up on a ton of stuff... and then later the wine. Lots and lots of wine.

What the fuck am I so afraid of?!

What the fuck am I so afraid of?! 

Now that... is the million dollar question and I can't even begin to tell you how many times I have found myself asking it. Over and over again. 

Flash back to a couple of years ago....

I could easily tell you everything that I wanted... but execution... man that can be a damn doozie. You know, you get so excited about something. The thought of it is amazing... you can visual how perfect it would be (whatever it is) and the outcome looks so refreshing and then at the moment of truth you start choking... and running for the nearest exit as fast as your little feet will take you.

Commitment phobe much?! (Raises hand). Yes, it took me a damn long time to figure out what my problem was. I am bloody terrified of commitment and I'm not just talking about relationships either. The biggest commitment I've made is to my son and I am 110% in. It isn't his fault that I have/had issues.

I can't tell you many times when just the thought of committing myself to anything had me breaking out in a cold sweat and I was pretty sure that my heart was going to pump itself right on out of my chest. (insert nervous laugh here). True story. That shit really happens.

Who knew though, right? It took me forever to figure out that THAT was exactly what was wrong with me... but why?

Why am I so afraid to commit myself to something?

Why the fuck am I so afraid?!

...is it...

the fear of failure?
the self doubt?
the fear of actually being happy?!
do I want to be?
do I even deserve that shit?! 
can I really be?!

I wasn't sure...

Yes, I was terrified of all of the above. I was afraid of failing, but I was also terrified of winning. I didn't really even think it was possible to be afraid of both, but it is... trust me. I know.

I kept telling myself the timing was all wrong, but you know what? When is the timing ever perfect? The truth is... it isn't. You can't sit around waiting for the perfect time, because if you do... I hate to break it you, but it will never come.

With commitment there is failure and with failure there is learning and ultimately finding success when you continue to plow through. You can't achieve success without saying "Fuck it" and going all in. You just can't. There is no easy way and there damn sure aren't any short cuts. You just literally have take the plunge. Even when you're scared to fricken death.

You've got to take chances.

Nothing great is ever going to happen if you don't. In the past few years I've been doing things that set my "commitment phobic" radar through the roof. 

Starting my page and beginning to share the inner workings of me was one of them. 
This blog was another hard for me... because there will be days when I share some tough things, but I did it. I had to. I don't want to see people holding themselves back. Feeling like they're alone. I don't want you to feel that way.

So, here again, I've committed myself. To sharing bits of who I am and my life in order spread hope.

To help someone else change their lives... To change mine.

Showing vulnerability is hard. Being afraid of something is hard... but allowing fear control you and living a life less than what you deserve is even harder.

Remember this the next time you find yourself wondering "What the fuck am I so afraid of?" and remember that you aren't alone. Life is meant to be lived in every way possible. It starts when you decide to start living. Now go live.

xoxo

Grief Reminds Me...

Grief reminds me of the ocean when a storm is brewing or raging... It's dark, violent and it's beautiful. Grief comes in stages... pretty much the same way... however, the beautiful part is from the memories that you hold closest to you.

Today is a bad day. I was fine when I got up, and then I started thinking about my dad. Maybe it's because yesterday my sister took two kittens to his wife... after he passed, within 8 months their three dogs died too. They were old. It made me sad for her. They loved their animals. I know she was heartbroken. But my sister did a good deed and told me it put a little bit of a light back in her eyes.

You know, before my dad died, I did not have a single picture of him put out anywhere. After he was gone I put one up beside my desk... so I could see him everyday. Funny how that happens.

Some days, it makes my throat clog up and tears run down my face and I hate that. I hate emotion sometimes. It pisses me off... I can deal with anger much better than grief.

Thanksgiving is coming, not that I spent many of them with him since I grew up... (long story) but we communicated fairly often even when our relationship was really strained. December 12th marks his one year passing and December 17th is his birthday.

I'm sad, but really fucking angry too.

I'm pissed off at him for never making an effort to really know my son. My son will remember him as the man with crazy hair in the green truck. I'm pissed off with how much and how often he lied about the stupidest things. I'm pissed off at how often he used to call me just to ask to borrow money. ...but at the same time...

I miss his stupid retarded jokes, and how much he could make me laugh. I miss that even when things were so wrong he would listen to me complain about whatever it was that was making me insane. I miss how much he would do his very best to embarrass me in public. I miss so much. I just miss him. I also realize that he, though he was flawed as fuck... just like we all are... did the best he felt he could. Now that I'm older I see that. I understand that.

Just because it wasn't always right, doesn't mean it was always wrong. It doesn't mean he didn't try his best. Just because his 'right' looked different than mine did/does.

I miss the man I idolized at age 10. I miss the man I learned to resent at 13. I miss the man who he used to be. I miss the man that he really was.

I am so grateful for the time I spent with him in the last couple of months before he died. Because we were able to bridge some of the gap. We were able to talk to each other like we were never able to do before.

I hold those moments close.

And as much as I hate to ever show vulnerability in any way... and believe me, I am choking on my pride right now, sometimes it is necessary. It's okay to be a hard ass and it's also okay to find an outlet to vent. Because grief comes in waves. Not always when you expect it. You have your highs and lows. The good days and the bad. Today was bad... but the evening is much better.

PUNK 57

I just finished reading PUNK 57... and wow. Just wow. It is a must read!

After the first couple of chapters, I almost closed the book; not because it was written poorly or anything, but because I wanted to punch the lead lady right in her pretty face. 

BUT

I kept going. 

I didn't give up on her... but she had a lot of redeeming to do. 

Ryen was not at all what I expected, but inside she was everything and so much more. She was a little broken, desperate to fit in, be accepted...to be liked... to not be alone.

Just like many other kids/teenagers in school -before they learn that someone else accepting them doesn't matter. That they don't need to fit in. That it's okay to stand up and stand out from the crowd, and to stand up for those who aren't able to stand up for themselves.  

__________


Ryen and Misha became pen pals when they were in elementary school and became everything to each other. 

_________




About the book:"We were perfect together. Until we met." 

Misha

I can’t help but smile at the lyrics in her letter. She misses me.

In fifth grade, my teacher set us up with pen pals from a different school. Thinking I was a girl, with a name like Misha, the other teacher paired me up with her student, Ryen. My teacher, believing Ryen was a boy like me, agreed.

It didn’t take long for us to figure out the mistake. And in no time at all, we were arguing about everything. The best take-out pizza. Android vs. iPhone. Whether or not Eminem is the greatest rapper ever…

And that was the start. For the next seven years, it was us.

Her letters are always on black paper with silver writing. Sometimes there’s one a week or three in a day, but I need them. She’s the only one who keeps me on track, talks me down, and accepts everything I am.

We only had three rules. No social media, no phone numbers, no pictures. We had a good thing going. Why ruin it?

Until I run across a photo of a girl online. Name’s Ryen, loves Gallo’s pizza, and worships her iPhone. What are the chances?

F*ck it. I need to meet her.

I just don’t expect to hate what I find.

Ryen

He hasn’t written in three months. Something’s wrong. Did he die? Get arrested? Knowing Misha, neither would be a stretch.

Without him around, I’m going crazy. I need to know someone is listening. It’s my own fault. I should’ve gotten his phone number or picture or something.

He could be gone forever.

Or right under my nose, and I wouldn’t even know it.

*Punk 57 is a stand alone New Adult romance. It is suitable for ages 18+.

________


You can find author Penelope Douglas on Facebook by clicking here.

Penelope Douglas' Website

It's finally the weekend! Hello you beautiful bastard!

I just chugged down this effin' nutrient packed health shake because let's face it, my ass isn't getting any younger and well...healthy insides are important. Cafe Latte Shakeo with a splash of Chameleon Cold Brew. It's effin' delish. I'll even post the recipe below. I wouldn't want anyone to miss out.

I briefly considered a plan of ruthless world domination and then remembered that I am a mom, so instead.... I'm going to go out and selflessly spend money on my kids needs, while completely ignoring my desire to spend frivolously on a whole bunch of shit that I don't need. Truthfully, I'm trying to keep my shit spending to a minimum. I want to buy a house and you can't save if you're blowing all your money at every opportunity. It's hard... though... so. damn. hard... not to... Lol

And after said shopping for the wee boy is finished, I'm going to lose my bra and watch Bad Moms. I can't believe I haven't taken the time to watch it yet.

Have a fricken amazing Saturday, y'all. You deserve it!



___________________________

Caramel Cafe Latte Recipe:
1 Scoop of Cafe Latte Shakeology
*Splash of Caramel Extract
*Half a cup of Cold Coffee (or more if you want)
*Half a cup of water
*Ice to taste
Blend the crap out of it and enjoy.

Breaking Down So We Can Get Back Up!

We all have a past. We all have things that we would much rather forget. A lot of people turn to drugs, food, alcohol, sex... to just try and forget.... even if just for a few minutes. We do our best to push the memories away. The harder we try to forget the stronger the grip of the memory becomes and we fight... fight not to feel... fight to not remember. We try and do whatever we can to escape. Escaping is so much easier than facing the memories that are driving us mad. We do everything in our power to be someone else and slowly we start becoming something that we don't even recognize. 

We fight against who we were -who we are... we beat our fists against a brick wall trying desperately to see beyond, but it's just too strong. Too well built. The wall that we've built ourselves...

To keep people out. 

To hide. 

To feel safe.

But are we really safe? What is the use in hiding? 

Hiding means we will never heal. Those broken and shattered pieces will never be put back together. We can't grow, we can't move on until we face what we're trying to hide, trying to forget... and find acceptance within ourselves.   

We have to fight for us... you have to fight for you... for the people who love you.

We have to embrace that we are not perfect, nor will we ever be... No one is. Not one single person. We all have scars. We're all a little broken and wounded, and somehow found a way to survive.

The biggest war you will ever fight is the one that is waging inside of you. And when put to the test we will suit up and go to battle. 
So stop second guessing yourself. 

Stop hating yourself. 

Stop hiding yourself. 

Embrace everything that you are. Our mistakes are what teach us. Our mistakes are what make us who we are... we need to learn from them and grow. Dig deep and find a way to accept what was, what is and let go.

Fall down and fall apart. Kick, cry, scream... do whatever it is you have to, but do it. You can. I believe in you. And regardless of what people think - those who don't support and accept you, don't matter.

Break through the barriers because the world is missing you. We need you. The real you.

Truthbomb: Self Care is A Divine Responsibility

Self care is one of the singular most important things you can do for yourself. You owe it to yourself to be making YOU a priority every single day. You... yes, you there shaking your head in disbelief. I am speaking to you!

It's easy to neglect ourselves and put our needs on the back burner... but you aren't doing anyone any favors by doing that. In fact, you are doing yourself a terrible disservice. Why? Because in reality, your unhappiness shows. I don't give a shit how much you try to hide it. It seeps out around the edges and it catches you off guard.

I am a parent. I get that it's hard to put yourself first... but the fact that you are a parent is just another reason to dig your heels in and do it. Why? Because you're sending a message to your kids. Take care of you! They will follow suit throughout their lives because they know that it is okay! To some it may seem easy, but it takes a hell of a lot of courage to do just that.

Give yourself a day, an hour... hell, even 30 minutes if that is all you have.

Just because you are taking care of you doesn't mean you have to neglect everyone else or that you will be. The happier you are the happier they will be.

Now, who is also a priority?

YOU! That's who.

December Book Group! What the what?!

Maybe you're wondering what the hell I'm talking about? Well, have you ever read a really good book and you just REALLYYYY needed to talk to someone about it? Yeah. Me too. If you know me and follow me, you know how I feel about personal development and the importance of taking charge of your life. Living the best possible version of you. 

BUT that's pretty hard if you aren't feeding your mind with material that will inspire you. It's hard to do when you aren't surrounded by other people who inspire you. Who support your goals, feelings and dreams. 

For many years, I didn't have that. I had to create that environment for myself and then decided that I was going to do my best to bring it to others. To offer an atmosphere of positivity, self love and pure badassery... with the shared loved of books and coffee. Yes, oh yes... delicious coffee. If you aren't a coffee drinker, replace the coffee with your drink of choice. At this point you know what I'm getting at. 

I have decided that each month I'm going to host a group (online via FB) where we can come together and read a book filled with material that will inspire us to get closer to our goals and instead of just "chasing" our dreams, we can take steps to start living them. 

For December I've decided that The Desire Map by Danielle LaPorte is the book of the month. It's an amazing read. Ultimately we are all chasing a feeling. Whether it be passion, happiness, prosperity, all of the above and/or others. Feelings are the driving force that will get us there. 

This book helped me to look at what I was doing with a different way of thinking and it gave me a little extra "umph". I think it will for you too. 

What will you need for this group?
You WILL need to purchase "The Desire Map" if you don't have it already. I am an affiliate, so your purchasing your book through my link (directly below) is much appreciated.

Click HERE to snag your copy.  

Click below to go to my event page and select "Going" if you're planning on joining so I don't miss adding you to the Private FB Group when it's time. 

I can't wait to connect! :) 

The Desire Map Book

Facebook Event Page

Coffee makes you feel like you've got your shit together.

Is it just me or does this happen to you?

I mean... It kind of feels like I've got it together... or maybe it's because once that first sip in the morning touches your soul it's like it gives you super powers. The feeling of being able to take over the world. It's like your superhero cape in the form of hot, dark, strong liquid. As though you have accomplished something really heavy... You know, like you got the fuck up even when you didn't want to... only to move blindly into a day where nothing may make sense and you have no idea what's waiting for you.

It's that feeling of a best friend who knows exactly what you need and when you need it. And believe me... real friends know you need coffee.

...and coffee has got your back.

Little Purple Flower

I took this a couple of days ago when I went to pick my son up from school... That little purple flower playing peek-a-boo through the fence there -it made me think that even when we feel trapped, there is always a crack...there is always a way out. 

It's easy to get lost in the notion that we can't do anything to change our situations, it becomes far too easy to just stay stuck... but in reality, we can't just quit. We have to get up. We have to get up every day and find that little crack in the fence, in the cement, in our minds and break out. And believe me... even when things seem as if they are at their absolute worst, there is always a way out. 

When it feels that way... that is when you must fight harder. 

Just remember that little purple flower who was determined enough to find it's way out.