The Adventures of Badass Women

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Sunday, October 7, 2018

In Response To...... How I felt about having kids today.

So, this was my response when someone I have not seen or talked to in a long time asked me how I felt about having kids today. It was more of a sarcasm/criticism type of comment.....but to my delight and lack of giving a shit it rolled right of my back like most things should for anyone.

Rewind to -oh, I'd say about 20 years ago... 

Once upon a time I was eighteen years old and pretty adamant about not having kids. I was busy doing other things... and it was no secret that I was not "dreaming or secretly planning" my future family... Lol.

Just an FYI... There is nothing wrong with that! Just as there is nothing wrong with if you do. 


One last thing before continuing... If you are offended easily or fail to have a sense of humor? Ignore this whole post... Just go ahead and click that "X" in the top corner and move on. Thanks in advance. 

Now... Back to my response.... 

"The kidlet thing is still weird to me most of the time. I'm not one of those "gushy" mom types....or even one who "enjoys" pregnancy and raves about. 

The mom part isn't so bad. Definitely a learning experience. Scary as shit though. Seriously. You are solely responsible for another human being. You thought life was scary before? I have news... You haven't seen shit until your rest your eyes on your little person for the first time.

Now pregnancy and enjoying it?!

Fuck no. It sucks... lol...

Don't get me wrong, there are some really sweet moments when you are pregnant. Like feeling your little person start moving around for the first time and maybe some others. But let me be real... Your body is no longer your own while pregnant. No matter how you look at it. 

My feet? Resembled that of what I'd assume could be exactly what a Gargantuan's feet probably look like (if you can even see them). Bending over? Good lord, the struggle is real. Shaving your damn legs? Well it would seem that my contortionist days are officially over. (Not that I was ever headed down that path anyway...). Heartburn? Get ready to take out stock with Tums. 

The number of times you run/waddle (that's right - I just said waddle -don't even get me started) back and forth- to and from the bathroom for what id say "a little dribble" that had initially felt like you were about to produce Niagra Falls and flood your entire neighborhood. You may as well invest in a bed pan -especially- especially if your limited to one bathroom and it just so happens to be on the other side of the house. I never thought of the bed pan idea until just now... Looking back... it would have been a killer idea. Definitely noted for future purposes on my "Just in case" list... bahahaha (don't judge). 

I never could get comfortable. Talk about waking up 9000 times during the night JUST to attempt to roll yourself over... Oh, you can imagine how pretty it is... I could go on for days -but I'll just stop with all that messy goodness. You'll probably thank me.

Truth be told... with all of the suckith moments throughout pregnancy -in all honesty? I'd do it over. I totally would. Bitching and complaining the entire way. Just to lay eyes on that adorable disruption to my sleeping patterns. It was worth it. (Damnit! I never thought those words would pass my lips - let alone relay them in a blog post for others to read). The mess, the madness, labor (sweet jesus that's another story), and the yucky mess afterwards. It changes you.

Fast forward to the ever so present now and on to the topic of your wee people. 

With all that I've said above, some kids are actually kind of cool and really aren't the spawns of Satan. (Don't shake your head or try to lie.... You know that you know some of those kids too...). My ten year old for instance (and this is 2018 for any of you who may read this post later down the line) he has his moments. I'm not delusional... he has his "I'm going to make my mom turn half lunatic, produce mass amounts of gray hair and possibly rip that shit out by the roots" moments... but for the most part? He is pretty chill. He's hilarious actually. And I find him quite fascinating. He tells awesome stories... (shit... I just went all gushy). 

Moving on.

Don't worry though... Your time will come as well (if it hasn't already) and I will laugh and laugh and laugh. Just as my mom did as she wished upon me a child that was ten times worse than I was... Totally not kidding... I may or may not have been a holy terror at certain stages of my life... Lol.

Now while my hilarious sense of humor and their (we're back to conversation that lead to this post) lack of....collided... Luckily.... They knew me well enough to not be a dick. The whole conversation became quite hilarious to me actually....but that's okay too, because I am not in the habit of caring what people think.

Not to mention.....being a "people pleaser" is just not in my nature. It never has been and I don't intend to rectify that anytime soon. And you shouldn't either for that matter. It isn't worth your time or energy. 

Keep in mind -that it is okay to change your mind, without apology, about something you did or that you didn't want to do at various stages in your life. That's the beauty of things... It's your life. You're allowed to do that. 

Moral of the story? You can have your opinion. You can want or not kids. You can be a decent human. You can be funny. You can be anything you want to.... Just be decent.

And for the love of all that is holy (or not) don't worry about what others think. Opinions are like assholes... everyone has one.



Monday, September 17, 2018

No Perfect People


There is not one single perfect person in this world. 

There isn't... 

...and while some would like you to believe otherwise.... 

Everyone you meet has a past. 
Everyone has told a lie.  
Everyone has done something they're not proud of.... 

We're all guilty of not so stellar moments.

 I know I sure as hel'll have plenty of my own. I won't say I'm proud of that, but I'm human. I'm real. You can't change the past, but you can damn sure... change your present and your future. 

The difference with some people than with others? A lot of us have or will own up to our mistakes.... while others point fingers and seem to forget that their shit stinks just as bad as everyone else's... The last I checked? Unless they're "masking it" with some "poopouri" it's just as rank as the next persons. 

Here's the thing... evey decision you've made has lead you to this point in your life... That includes the good, the bad and the ugly. But this very moment that you're in... you have an opportunity to do good. You can choose to either let those assholes stall your progress or you can show the whole gd world what you're made of... **not that you need to impress anyone**... But you sure as fuck can strive to do better and be a little better than you were yesterday. Each day that you try is progress. 

The only competition you have is with yourself -not another human being. Let them have their opinions... and allow your character and your choices speak for you.  

Believe me... I know that some folks would rather see you down than on the up.... and when you find yourself in a position of Judgement... Make sure you take a good long look in the mirror and remember that those fools don't matter. They are not any better than anyone else. You matter. You really do. We all do. 

I'm here to help remind you... That YOU are a gift. You have something unique to offer the world whether you realize it or not. Something that no one else can or will.  

Every moment...every second that you're breathing is a moment you've been given to continue writing your life's story. 

You hold the pen... 

Make it a story worth reading. 

... I believe in you. 😘 



Tuesday, July 31, 2018

Don't Allow Yourself To Be Consumed by Tragedy... Happiness is a state of mind. It's something that you create.

We are all chasing a feeling.... in one form or another.

The problem though.... is that sometimes in the midst of seeking joy... we do things just to try to fill the void because it's really hard to realize that  WE are the ones who actually hold the key to our happiness.

Happiness is a state of mind. Something that we create.

It's easy to get ourselves caught up in a tragedy... to let it completely take over, but it's damn hard to conquer our thoughts.

....and thoughts fuel action.

What you think is what you become.

Think you can't? You won't.
Think there is a possiblity? You might.
Think you can? You will.

Start telling yourself you can and that you will be a little more often... because where you are right now, at this very moment... there is happiness, laughter and love all around you.

Manifest all of the amazing things that life has to offer you. You deserve that. Stop focusing on what you don't have... and focus on what you do have.

Great things are all around you -just waiting for you to try... To take that first little step. And once you start making that effort, it will start to flow and once that valve is released inside of you... You will finally start to see what you've been missing. And it is a really beautiful thing.

So, what's your course of action today?

YOU are going to try... Starting right now... with what you have and where you are.

Take a deep breath and close your eyes.



Let it all out... and repeat... Free your mind of the negative. Of the doubt. And let the possibility of "It can, it will, it did and it is right now!"...lead you instead.

I believe in you. You've got this!

Kick some ass today!

Thursday, June 28, 2018

The Impact of Paying it Forward

Kindness matters and paying it forward always has an impact. 

When you have barely any cash on you, but you pass a homeless dude, and your guts are clawing you to shreds telling you to help.... 

You put your change with the three dollar bills  

It was approx $7.00. 

Why am I posting this? Not in any means to "toot my horn" or to make myself look better, but once in a while? Everyone finds themselves in a position where they need help. Giving isn't required of anyone, because at times you just can't... and that's okay. It just means that if ever you find yourself in a position to be able to -go for it. 

Not everyone out there Flying a sign is bad....  everyone out there has a reason for their circumstances. You just don't know what they are... 

I've gotten a lot of shit over the years because I have always tried to give when I'm able -just like it haunts me when I can't (I'm a bit sensitive to the thought of someone being hungry or cold). I've known people who were down and out.... Hell, I have been  down and out myself... and it sucks. 

You don't have to give huge amounts, even a quarter or a buck helps. Your time even...  that counts too. It's called paying it forward. Everyone needs help once in a while at some point in their lives. 

 When I handed that dude  the bag with the money, he about cried. 

My son was with me and it's important that he see and be apart of these types of interactions. 

Stay humble, do good and appreciate everything. You never know when it could be you or someone you love in that mans shoes. 

Have a kick ass day! 


Tuesday, June 13, 2017

Emotional Meltdown - The reality of miscarrying.

Miscarriage. What an awful word. Threatened Abortion in large bold print, printed on a sheet of paper along with it? Even worse.

Here I am, as I sat waiting on a doctor to come in and tell me the inevitable. Though my emotions so rarely are projected on my face... what most would never see, is the crazy fucking mess I was/am on the inside.

FYI... If you are overly sensitive to reality, pissed off and/or sad, emotional women? Do not continue reading.



The truth is... No one ever wants to hear (nor should they have to hear) that your baby doesn't have a heartbeat... You don't want to hear "Go home and rest, then come back in 48 hours for another ultrasound." ..... because there is a 99% chance that the little life growing inside of you (or was), that you've already come to love, has no heartbeat.

That it will never finish developing and you'll never get to hold that baby in your arms.

And do not tell me that men are not devastated by the loss of a child, because my husband is... right along with me.

I went back to the emergency room on Sunday and got the confirmation that my baby did not have a heartbeat.

O.M.G.... Something broke inside me. Actually all weekend I was sick with the thought of losing my baby. One whom I wanted so bad, a baby that not just I, but my husband and son wanted as well.

As those words left that doctors mouth, as gently as she could possibly deliver the news, I was heartbroken. What made this heartbreak even worse? Was the fact that they were sending me home to "pass" it on my own. I could not believe it. Honest to fricken goodness, as though the news I just received wasn't bad enough... but I am to go home, with my dead child inside of me, and "pass" it... ??!

With that blow.... I am literally about to lose it. Like go ape shit ... because how in the ever loving fuck is it acceptable to send someone home to just "pass" their child.
Are you kidding me?! Some sort of sick fricken joke?! Definitely not a joke.

The look on my face I can only imagine... because the fury and the sadness I felt at that moment, then began to spill over .... It isn't her fault... I know this. She doesn't make the rules. She was just the unfortunate soul who whether she wants to or not, has to be the bearer of really crappy news. She then says to me that she is going to make some calls to find a doctors office that will be able to get me in quickly... She tried. Bless her fucking kind heart -she tried...and for that I will be forever grateful. Because she tried.

I waited for her to finish and she brought me back everything she'd found out. I take the info and finally go home... To lay in bed, bleeding, cramping and just painfully aware of every single thing going on. Everything possible reason going through my mind... I can't help but wonder... Why I was given this gift, this blessing... only to have it taken away?

Don't get me wrong... I know a lot factored into this... I am high risk... and I also know that there are a ton of reasons why. But the thing is, when it is happening to you... You are just upset and want that baby back and healthy. You want to feel it grow. Pick out a name. Hold it. Love it. ... and the reality... is that... it isn't going to happen. At least not this time.

One issue I'm having at the moment is the fact that people are being sent home to just let things happen "naturally"... which, in my opinion, is complete bullshit! No one and I do mean, NO ONE! should be sent home to deal with that. A procedure should be done immediately. This is extremely traumatizing for anyone to have to go through.

Oh, I'm sure there are a ton of "logical" reasons that people will spout as to why this is the way it is. But those reasons? Can go to hell. They can be shoved up the ass of those who implemented it. Those opinions are shit to me and probably every other woman/family who has been sent home to finish miscarrying.

There isn't a lack of insurance on my part, but even if there were? Still bullshit. Insurers concerned about cost surrounding these procedures? Fuck you. We deserve better.

At this moment... I am bitter, I am pissed off, but I know I am strong. Right this second, I don't want to be, but I will be... though a part of me will never completely heal. I will be strong for my family who are hurting too. I will be a voice for those who aren't able to speak out. Who can't find the words. Who want to scream and shout and to throw things while trying to understand why?!!! For those who have/are walking around their house or laying in bed in a daze. Who are weak to their gd core. Who....simply put... purely fucking hurt.

And to those women (or the men who are experiencing the loss with them) who have other kids at home. Who aren't able to take time for themselves. Who may be hiding in a closet silently crying or holding it back until they get in the shower... just so no one hears. You beautiful, strong, amazing person you. You are all so strong. Anyone who feels the pain of this type of loss. You are so gd strong and don't you dare let anyone tell you otherwise. There are those too who are attempting to keep it back and not let it out at all, because they don't want anyone to see them vulnerable... I want you to know that it's okay to let it out. It is okay to be vulnerable. I don't like to be vulnerable either. I hate to cry... but at the moment the reasons behind that feeling seem so trivial.

 It doesn't matter how often you may or may not break down... it's okay. It is okay and somehow, someway... you will be okay. That roller coaster isn't going anywhere and you are entitled to hop on as often as you need to. But remember that you need to live too. You need to pick up the pieces and move forward.. and remember that just because you do/are... it doesn't mean that your little one lost, means any less. 

I have my high and low moments. I have been through every emotion. I've read the paperwork... over and over again. And to see the words "Threatened Abortion" there along with miscarry.. seem completely wrong. Abortion is more of a choice. I wanted my baby. I still want my baby. So you can bet that I am sick to my fucking stomach at the gd words, THREATENED ABORTION!

And I say a big "Fuck You!" to whomever decided that was a good choice to be added onto paperwork that an overly emotional mother and/or father will read over and over... while attempting to wrap their heads around their reality that they had zero control over the loss of their baby. Around our reality. Yes, fuck you.

Now, with all of that being said... I am going to close this post. This isn't something I would typically share with anyone outside of my close family and friends... and honesty, rarely even them... but this... is something that so many people are dealing with and I just want you know that you aren't alone.

I'm sending out a ton of love and prayers to anyone reading this, right now, who are riding that roller coaster with me. Be brave, don't give up and never stop trying.

We may never understand the why... but there is always a bigger plan.

Big hugs,

Sunday, March 5, 2017

A letter to my dad.

Today was tough. So fricken tough!! And then I missed my dad so much because I wanted to be able to talk to him so bad. I wanted to hear his voice. I wanted a giant ass bear hug. (I miss those so much)....

Life without a loved one isn't always easy. Especially when things are really hard and you can't reach out to them the way you used to anymore.

So, after much thought... I decided that I was going to write him a letter. I told him everything that was bothering me and in my head I played it over and over what he would say to me. He used to make me laugh so much. I'm talking full on almost pee your pants type of belly laugh. It was crazy and it was amazing.

I wrote him a letter and I addressed it to him in Heaven. Using his nickname... Lol... Long story there, but I give everyone a nickname. His just happened to be "Pappy le Pew". I may tell you about it some other time.

Yes, I am actually going to mail this. I am going to pretend that he is going to get it. Call me crazy, call me whatever you want actually... I don't care.

Why am I posting this? Because I know most of you miss someone as much as I do. And I want you to know that just because the people we love aren't here anymore -that doesn't mean we can't find a way to "reach" them. In my case... it was sending a letter to my dad.


Thursday, November 24, 2016

I am. You are. We are.

♕ ♕ ♕ ♕ ♕

I am so much more than what so many see. 

I am so much more than what I lead on to be... 

I give... I feel... I hope. 
I love fiercely.
I need, I want... I dream.

I am alone -yet surrounded
I am empty -yet full 

I am vulnerable, and at times insecure. 
I am strong 
I am confident 

I win, I lose, I fail and I fall... 
I am weak
I am proud

I smile when on the inside I die
I break down 
I put myself back together

I stumble
...and stand tall

I am a woman... 
I am.

My spirit free...
with the heart of a warrior

I am a lover

A fighter
A dreamer
A seeker of hope -a giver of hope

A leader 

I am so much more... 

I am strong 
I am courageous 
I am amazing 

...I am
You are
We Are

We are all... so much more. 

♕ ♕ ♕ ♕ ♕ 

Amanda Michelle

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