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Tuesday, June 13, 2017

Emotional Meltdown - The reality of miscarrying.


Miscarriage. What an awful word. Threatened Abortion in large bold print, printed on a sheet of paper along with it? Even worse.

Here I am, as I sat waiting on a doctor to come in and tell me the inevitable. Though my emotions so rarely are projected on my face... what most would never see, is the crazy fucking mess I was/am on the inside.

FYI... If you are overly sensitive to reality, pissed off and/or sad, emotional women? Do not continue reading.
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The truth is... No one ever wants to hear (nor should they have to hear) that your baby doesn't have a heartbeat... You don't want to hear "Go home and rest, then come back in 48 hours for another ultrasound." ..... because there is a 99% chance that the little life growing inside of you (or was), that you've already come to love, has no heartbeat.

That it will never finish developing and you'll never get to hold that baby in your arms.

And do not tell me that men are not devastated by the loss of a child, because my husband is... right along with me.

I went back to the emergency room on Sunday and got the confirmation that my baby did not have a heartbeat.

O.M.G.... Something broke inside me. Actually all weekend I was sick with the thought of losing my baby. One whom I wanted so bad, a baby that not just I, but my husband and son wanted as well.

As those words left that doctors mouth, as gently as she could possibly deliver the news, I was heartbroken. What made this heartbreak even worse? Was the fact that they were sending me home to "pass" it on my own. I could not believe it. Honest to fricken goodness, as though the news I just received wasn't bad enough... but I am to go home, with my dead child inside of me, and "pass" it... ??!

With that blow.... I am literally about to lose it. Like go ape shit ... because how in the ever loving fuck is it acceptable to send someone home to just "pass" their child.
Are you kidding me?! Some sort of sick fricken joke?! Definitely not a joke.

The look on my face I can only imagine... because the fury and the sadness I felt at that moment, then began to spill over .... It isn't her fault... I know this. She doesn't make the rules. She was just the unfortunate soul who whether she wants to or not, has to be the bearer of really crappy news. She then says to me that she is going to make some calls to find a doctors office that will be able to get me in quickly... She tried. Bless her fucking kind heart -she tried...and for that I will be forever grateful. Because she tried.

I waited for her to finish and she brought me back everything she'd found out. I take the info and finally go home... To lay in bed, bleeding, cramping and just painfully aware of every single thing going on. Everything possible reason going through my mind... I can't help but wonder... Why I was given this gift, this blessing... only to have it taken away?

Don't get me wrong... I know a lot factored into this... I am high risk... and I also know that there are a ton of reasons why. But the thing is, when it is happening to you... You are just upset and want that baby back and healthy. You want to feel it grow. Pick out a name. Hold it. Love it. ... and the reality... is that... it isn't going to happen. At least not this time.

One issue I'm having at the moment is the fact that people are being sent home to just let things happen "naturally"... which, in my opinion, is complete bullshit! No one and I do mean, NO ONE! should be sent home to deal with that. A procedure should be done immediately. This is extremely traumatizing for anyone to have to go through.

Oh, I'm sure there are a ton of "logical" reasons that people will spout as to why this is the way it is. But those reasons? Can go to hell. They can be shoved up the ass of those who implemented it. Those opinions are shit to me and probably every other woman/family who has been sent home to finish miscarrying.

There isn't a lack of insurance on my part, but even if there were? Still bullshit. Insurers concerned about cost surrounding these procedures? Fuck you. We deserve better.

At this moment... I am bitter, I am pissed off, but I know I am strong. Right this second, I don't want to be, but I will be... though a part of me will never completely heal. I will be strong for my family who are hurting too. I will be a voice for those who aren't able to speak out. Who can't find the words. Who want to scream and shout and to throw things while trying to understand why?!!! For those who have/are walking around their house or laying in bed in a daze. Who are weak to their gd core. Who....simply put... purely fucking hurt.

And to those women (or the men who are experiencing the loss with them) who have other kids at home. Who aren't able to take time for themselves. Who may be hiding in a closet silently crying or holding it back until they get in the shower... just so no one hears. You beautiful, strong, amazing person you. You are all so strong. Anyone who feels the pain of this type of loss. You are so gd strong and don't you dare let anyone tell you otherwise. There are those too who are attempting to keep it back and not let it out at all, because they don't want anyone to see them vulnerable... I want you to know that it's okay to let it out. It is okay to be vulnerable. I don't like to be vulnerable either. I hate to cry... but at the moment the reasons behind that feeling seem so trivial.

 It doesn't matter how often you may or may not break down... it's okay. It is okay and somehow, someway... you will be okay. That roller coaster isn't going anywhere and you are entitled to hop on as often as you need to. But remember that you need to live too. You need to pick up the pieces and move forward.. and remember that just because you do/are... it doesn't mean that your little one lost, means any less. 


I have my high and low moments. I have been through every emotion. I've read the paperwork... over and over again. And to see the words "Threatened Abortion" there along with miscarry.. seem completely wrong. Abortion is more of a choice. I wanted my baby. I still want my baby. So you can bet that I am sick to my fucking stomach at the gd words, THREATENED ABORTION!

And I say a big "Fuck You!" to whomever decided that was a good choice to be added onto paperwork that an overly emotional mother and/or father will read over and over... while attempting to wrap their heads around their reality that they had zero control over the loss of their baby. Around our reality. Yes, fuck you.

Now, with all of that being said... I am going to close this post. This isn't something I would typically share with anyone outside of my close family and friends... and honesty, rarely even them... but this... is something that so many people are dealing with and I just want you know that you aren't alone.

I'm sending out a ton of love and prayers to anyone reading this, right now, who are riding that roller coaster with me. Be brave, don't give up and never stop trying.

We may never understand the why... but there is always a bigger plan.

Big hugs,
Amanda
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